Tuesday, December 18th, 2018

“Liberals Who Eat Meat Can Go F* Themselves”

Published on March 14, 2012 by   ·   3 Comments Pin It

Jamie Kilstein is smart funny, not fart joke funny.  Though if he told a fart joke, we imagine it would be tremendous. That said, read this piece (or put your diaper on and read his pee- funny last piece “Vegans Are Not The A-Holes” for GGA first) and then immediately buy tickets to see him live in NYC at Gotham Comedy Club on Wednesday next (3/21.)  His delivery and smarts leaves us rolling in the isles, and we are positive you will fall just as in nerdy boy love with him as the rest of the GGA staff did (straight boys included.)

Look, I’m sorry. I’m all about being tolerant. In fact, on Citizen Radio, the radio show I co-host with my partner, Allison Kilkenny, we have converted literally thousands of animal -munchers into healthy, happy vegans by being patient, understanding, and using the old liberal trick of “facts.” We have always stayed nice.

With that said, if I see one more “progressive activist” tweet a picture of their goddamn steak, they are going to need to hide their twitter IPs like the revolutionaries did in Iran.

Here’s the deal: if you claim to be a progressive, animal lover, labor rights activist, decent person, or environmentalist, at THE VERY LEAST, you need to hide your animal eating in shame like you would a dick rash. Jesus christ, you JUST TWEETED A GLOBAL WARMING PETITION AND THEN A FACTORY FARMED ANIMAL THAT CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING?!

I wouldn’t tweet “End the wars now,” followed by a picture of me perched victoriously atop a dead Muslim. Seems a wee bit counterproductive.

I know it’s easy for people to remain ignorant. That’s why if someone comes up to me after a show and tells me they eat meat but want to cut back, I’m not going to throw red paint in their face, and kick him in the shin, while shouting, “MURDERER!”

I’m going to listen to them, empathize, and do everything in my power to tell them how much good they could do as a vegan. I mean that. I do empathize. So many people eat meat for decades having no idea the damage they are doing. When I ate meat, I never ate a hamburger and was like: “Yeah! Fuck you, cow!” I never thought of it as a cow. I thought of it as a burger. Whatever the fuck that is. But progressives — especially progressives in the public sphere — know better.

These are the people who write on global warming. They have published pieces on mindblowingly sad labor practices. If you are a blogger or work at home like us, you probably have several insane cats you take pictures of all day. Yet you still eat animals.

Now, don’t get me wrong, liberals are super clever about it. These are smart people we are dealing with. They don’t eat factory farmed dead things. NO! That is inhumane! They eat dead things from Ye Olde Hank’s Place: an organic farm built out of recycled bottles that doesn’t exist. This is always what we hear: the hypothetical situation that most don’t even adhere to:

Stupid Liberal: But what about my neighbor who has a farm is that cruel?

Me: Is that true?

Stupid Liberal: Um…yeah? He’s 89, and he’s um…really old…and uh his wife died, ’cause he’s old…and the only thing that makes him happy is killing animals.

Me: Really?

Stupid Liberal: Yuh-huh! And he said that nothing makes his cows happier than taking their final steps, ripped away from their family, to be butchered. Some even commit suicide to make like easier on ol’ sad Hank. I mean, I know chickens that live like Kings!

Me: I don’t even know people who live like Kings. And if I did, I don’t think the king is beheaded to be made into a McNugget.

Stupid Liberal: Fuck you, I’m going to Burger King. I MEAN…..Burger King’s organic…sustainable….free range…farm.

First of all, I don’t believe that all of you live near farms. Second, the point is not about where you are getting your meat from. YES, anything is better than a factory farm. Kicking a dog to death is technically more environmentally friendly than getting your dinner from a factory farm (which makes up almost all meat in grocery stores), but that doesn’t mean you should do it.

Stop trying to make yourself feel better by saying the animal that was murdered so you could be unhealthy lived a good life before it was killed. At least a cow on a factory farm doesn’t get his hopes up

Also, since 99 percent of meat at restaurants are factory farmed as well, chances are Stupid Liberals still support the industry they rail against. But only on Friday nights. So that’s okay, right?

I’m proud to be a stupid liberal. I’m proud to be part of a diverse group of people and not hang out with rich old white dudes. I’m proud to belong to a group of people who’s main focus is compassion. Compassion for the LGBT community, feminists, racial minorities,the 99 percent. If this is true then us liberals need to step up and start practicing what we preach.

Jamie Kilstein is a proud vegan and political comedian based out of Brooklyn. He has been seen on the Conan O’Brian show, CNN, Showtimes The Green Room, and co-hosts wearecitizenradio.com where he and his partner Allison Kilkenny have interviewed such guests as Sarah Silverman, Janeane Garofalo, Rachel Maddow, Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn, Bad Religion, Regina Spektor and more! Support Jamie, love him, cherish him.. he’s a national treasure. Watch him on youtube, listen to his radio show, check out his website, and twitter-stalk him. He won’t mind.

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Readers Comments (3)

  1. jennifer says:

    funny, good read. especially appropriate for my new vegetarian lifestyle.

  2. judy says:

    So funny, so true. I’ve found when most everyday encounters turns to my lifestyle of veganism, a lot of people just don’t know about all of the ramifications of eating meat, or dairy. I love to educate them if they are wanting to know, but this piece by Jamie is 100% right on. Certain people absolutely DO know, but CHOOSE to continue the senseless murdering anyways.
    I had the biggest grrl-crush on Susan Sarandon for years, loving her as an actress 1ST but even more so while her and Tim Robbins were out crusading for the environment as well as other ’causes’. Now she’s on TV encouraging ALL to drink enough milk!!? Really? Really. She of ALL people know exactly what the dairy industry is doing for(against) our environment, let alone the horrendous brutality and murder of the nonconsenting animals forced into it! I saw her recently on Dr Phil of all places, pushing her latest movie, she said she has her hand in 18 movies right now. I guess times are tough, but selling your soul was your only option, Sarandon?

  3. Abby says:

    Jamie and Alison are part of the reason I even considered being vegan. I have now been vegan for 3 months and love it! Jamie is the man! Thanks for changing my life for the better!

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