I know so many good, intelligent, glamorous and uber attractive single women of all shapes and sizes, who are over forty years old and can’t get a date in my city, or in any city worldwide.
As women, the more we love ourselves, become ourselves, accept and like ourselves, the harder it is to find a date or even a partner.
Why? I have no idea.
It makes no sense to me.
I’ve always dated empowered people, and people with a self-esteem, so why would anyone be intimidated by me or us in our forties?
Bridget Jones in the year 2014 seems both surreal and impossible. She was just starting out her career, and also she was only thirty years old for crying out loud! What does a thirty year old know about forever alone?
Maybe in our thirties we happened to be single, or dating viciously or low key, or we were happily coupled for years, but the most important thing was that we were working our butts off.
We had crappy jobs, killer jobs and in-between jobs, but we got them done, we had to suck it up and deal because ultimately, we knew we had to get here.
We also learned that we had to get here alive.
So some of us had to sober up, or work on plenty of other issues, but we all made it. We did.
We got here by putting ourselves first, something that is not taught to women, yeah even in 2014, we might be considered selfish for loving who we are…
Even those ladies I know who are in fulfilling and healthy marriages were “themselves” way before they found their loved one, and they are not just somebody’s wife.
Spinster power is about teaching us to value and take care of ourselves first, so we are strong enough to love other people, to love our pets and other animals, the environment, and our world.
It is solely because we worked so hard to find our paths, that we were able to build a solid foundation.
With a solid foundation, our journeys to here make sense and we have survived most obstacles. From cheating partners to chronic illness what has come our way we have learned (and are still learning) to radically accept.
At forty, we have become the women we’ve designed during our twenties and thirties.
It took us twenty years to fully be comfortable in our own skin, to heal the wounds and mend the scars from incest, child or adult mental and physical abuse, to break up with abusive partners and end sour friendships, to leave abusive spouses and bosses, the list is infinite.
We know when to walk away. We know when to stay. We will take no crap from our dates, which is why we are picky.
Personally, I have been in really long-term relationships my entire adult life. I have had to embrace my spinster power and hug it tight like one would hug a pillow, when re-conditioning ourselves to sleep alone after a relationship ends.
I can be alone. I can sleep alone. I like my own company.
I am fully aware that it is better to be alone, than with someone who is a bad match or even abusive.
I tend to remind myself that I don’t need to be an extra in A’s life, when there is a secondary role in B’s life, or a leading role in C’s life. The secret is to do a good casting when looking for a partner.
I’m happy with my life, all the people in it and everything I have accomplished.
My tiny dog loves me as much as I adore him.
But often, when it gets quiet and very lonely,
I wonder how healthy is it to be forever alone?
Maria Gold is a published poet and novelist based in Buenos Aires, Argentina for the past eight years. She has lived in Boston as a child and as an adult in NYC. She graduated from New York University, and has worked in arts and theatre programs for both the not-for-profit and profit sectors. She is a feminist and LGBTQ activist. Her books include: Tranquilizante/Tranquilizer one hundred bilingual poems, Scars a novel and Studio Apartment a novel. The novels are written in Spanish and published by the Argentine Press, Vinciguerra. Soon to be published in the English language. Hopefully.