What happens when a Jewish gypsy signs up for a Christian dating site? Darrah de jour is a fearless redheaded dervish, a glamazon and “Suicide Girl” who will be sharing some of her innermosts with us from now on. We know you’ll enjoy her like we do. Welcome Darrah to the family!
by Darrah de jour
Recently, I stumbled upon one of those Christian-centric dating sites, and being that I’m one of those odd birds that will do shit just to experience it, I signed up. I don’t necessarily identify as Christian (I’m of Jewish and gypsy ancestry, and was also “saved” – it’s a long story) and I probably wouldn’t go on a date via an online site — not that they aren’t fantastic, and friends aren’t, like, getting married due to the magic of Match.com. But, if you must know, the scent of a man or woman is a huge indicator of my attraction and our future. And, I can’t smell shizz through the keyboard.
All of this being said, reading their profiles, proclaiming endless devotion to Jesus, got me thinking.
If you are not part and parcel of an organized religion, but you do have a spiritual path that shapes your everyday choices, at the end of the day, Who’s Your Daddy?
Furthermore, if you were raised in an alcoholic home, or you are dating or friends with an alcoholic or addict, are you forever doomed to the hamster wheel of redefining your identity within the scope of both program, as well as your relationship with the alcoholic?
They say alcoholics drink, and Al-Anonics think. Sitting on my couch for an hour analyzing a situation is tirelessly easy for me. What would seem arduous for a “normal” person (I hate that word!) is quite simple, and even enjoyable for me. However, part of my recovery is to stop sitting around analyzing and thinking the shit out of shit. I will never know the mysteries of another — especially because, as Dr. Gregory House says — everybody lies! Judging my insides against others’ outsides is an exercise in futility. And when the shit hits the fan, you don’t want a futile mess to clean up on top of it.
Because I can get very lost in trying to decipher why people do the things they do, unfortunately, in the midst of analyzing somebody else, I quite literally lose myself. This is a wonderful gift if you’re writing a fictional character, not so awesome if you are living the life of this character!
I used to have a post-it stuck to my computer that said “my god is peace.” Whenever drama ensued, or if I was flirting with disaster, I would look at it (or rather, my roving eyes would find it by will of something greater than myself) and time would sort of envelop me. Time and grace. “Shhhh. Stop,” it would say. “Relax.” And thus, I did.
Now, I struggle to reclassify my intention, and my direction… Is my god still peace? Or is it: purity, drama, fun, violence, sexuality, rebellion, health, my family, my facebook friends, my goals, my downfalls, my accomplishments, money, wonder, curiosity, other people’s words and choices?
Lately, I’ve felt happiness in ways that I have prayed for for a long time now. To be seen and revered for who I truly am, rather than some gazey perception or provocation or projection of another’s sexual fantasy. (Not to say I don’t like that from time to time — because I most certainly do. But, I really want to work toward wholeness, and toward somebody knowing me fully, and from that fullness, I can sink into being “objectified” if that makes sense.) I’m looking forward to seeing where this new space that’s being held for me leads. Perhaps, the space was always there. I have a feeling it was. Now that I recognize it, god will maybe reveal more.
Today, I embrace the ‘not knowing’ and in other words, the fact that right now, my god is faith in the unseen, and while I am still stumbling and fumbling, I can only hope it’s one step closer to ecstasy.
Darrah de jour is a freelance journalist, publicist, and consultant, with a focus on sensuality, environmentalism, and fearless women in the media. Her lifestyle writing and celebrity interviews have appeared in Marie Claire, Esquire and W, among others. She contributes author and filmmaker interviews to The Rumpus. Darrah’s column for SuicideGirls,“Red, White and Femme: Strapped With A Brain – And A Vagina” takes a fresh look at females in America. Twice monthly, Ms. de jour co-hosts SG Radio on Indie 103.1 FM. She lives in LA with her doggie Oscar Wilde. Subscribe to her blog at: www.darrahdejour.com and friend her on Facebook: www.facebook.com/darrahdejour