Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Apologizing For Your Blackness/ Veganism/ Homosexuality

Published on February 3, 2011 by   ·   91 Comments Pin It

A few days ago I recieved an email that I get in different forms pretty regularly.

It read as follows;

“Hey…just wanted to let you know I watched Oprah yesterday (except for the RUDE news interruption).  My Husband even watched the last 30 minutes of it.  WOW! Can’t tell you how upsetting it was to watch the cows heading for their demise, and worse…watching what they do to them!  I was literally sick to my stomach!   I asked my Husband if he minded if I didn’t eat meat anymore, and he told me to do whatever I want to do, just not to push it on him.  So….I am going to be making a conscious effort to stay away from all of that.  I am going to challenge myself.  Any input and suggestions, and HELP would be much appreciated.”

The positive of these emails is that people are being enlightened en masse to the hideous realities of factory farming.  The emails come in fast and furious.  People are changing.  Veganism is more popular than ever. People are experimenting with vegan living in droves, and getting involved in animal rights.  These are all fantastically positive things.  And I’m happy to help them, everyone, every time. But why do women in particular always accept their Husband’s “don’t push it on me!” comments. Isn’t that the same thing homophobes say about gay folks? “Hey, it’s cool.. as long as you don’t push it on me” and “That’s fine, for those sort of people.”  And in essence, isn’t that in itself  the most offensive thing you could possibly say?  “Hey, I’m fine with black folks, just don’t want my kid to marry one.”  “Muslim folks are fine, just keep them out of my schools.”  And it goes on.  Apologizing for who you are – who you were born to be – is never okay.  Apologizing for doing something positive in the world?  Why?

What does “push it on me” even mean in terms of veganism?  Don’t show you where your meat comes from?  Don’t offer you a vegan cupcake?  Don’t mention your evolution?  Don’t offer you information? Just stay in your quiet little Betty Crocker corner and keep your trap shut.. as long as it doesn’t interrupt my Sunday football and chicken wings.  Makes you want to roll your eyes and say “I’m so sorry our veganism – which serves the animals, people, and the environment – is so distasteful to you.”  And that’s really what it is – fear of the unknown.  Hatred of black folks, gay folks, jewish folks, vegan folks, women, et all really just stems from fear.  Fear of anything that creates waves of change, which is how anything good in the world has ever happened.

It bears repeating that;

“A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has. ” Margaret Mead

Convenient Vegan on says;

We vegans have all met people who take our veganism personally. They become defensive when we mention that we don’t eat meat or use any animal products. Some might go directly to the attack: “You think you’re saving the world?” or “Well I’m never going to stop eating meat”. This last spoken as a challenge. I have often asked what’s the deal here? All I said was I don’t eat meat. I didn’t ask them what they ate or didn’t eat, I didn’t challenge anyone to a duel. What if I had said “I don’t eat mustard”? Would the reaction be the same? Why not?

My very own Husband, Jeremy Davis (now a staunch vegan and committed activist,) once said the very same thing to me.  In fact it was more aggressive; “Don’t try and turn me into some namby-pamby vegetarian.”  My response was calm and calculated.  “I’ll never mention veganism again if you watch this one film called Peaceable Kingdom and let me know what you think.  You love animals.  And me.  So if you love me, you respect my opinion, and would want to know why I am this way.”  He watched the film, cried like crazy for hours, and never again ate an animal or any of their secretions.  Now that is a MAN.

We all come to our own aha moments in our time.  I get that.  But, ladies and germs, never apologize for doing the right thing.  Don’t step down.  Don’t hide away.  You are making waves in the ocean, you are the change-makers, the seekers, the true hearted warriors. Your commitment to doing what you know to be right – to not harm for any reason – is the goddesses and angels work. People say they love animals, they’d never hurt their dog, they think Michael Vick is a prick… and then happily chomp on their morning bacon and sip on their milk.

“The beef industry has contributed to more American deaths than all the wars of this century, all natural disasters, and all automobile accidents combined.  If beef is your idea of “real food for real people” you’d better live real close to a real good hospital.”  Dr. Neal Barnard

It’s incongruous.  We know it is. And we should always say something.  Because if we don’t, the meat industry is happy to step in and offer our obese children another happy meal.

“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. ” Elie Wiesel

Take sides, people.  I know I have.  That’s why I started this site and newsletter over twelve years ago.  Use your mouths, that’s what we have them for – to speak up!  This is, at the end of  the day, a battle for good and evil – and you are doing the right thing. If someone doesn’t get on board with you eventually, they may not have the same kind of heart and commitment to equality and compassion that you do.  Do you really want to be with that person?  I personally wouldn’t. I’d never date a non-vegan who saw the footage, read the books, and really was educated and still pushed off going all the way.  I’m just that kind of gal who likes a (well, one in particular!) hardcore guy.

Don’t apologize – EVER – for doing what is right.  Find your inner badass, and stand up and let yourself be counted for.

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Readers Comments (91)

  1. themessenger says:

    FANTASTIC post!!! You could not have expressed the frustration as a vegan dealing with non vegans who are “offended” by our choices any better.

    Well done GGA, keep it up, keep it strong.

  2. Shayla says:

    Great article! I’m so thankful for the education and knowledge to know to never apologize for doing what is right. I just love that feel good feeling of doing a good deed. And if anyone is a believer like me, then you know that we will all be rewarded not just in this life, but the next. I stopped eating bacon after I saw a documentary on PBS months ago of what this one particular animal farm did to pigs…I turned my face away from the t.v. and cried hard when I heard their screams. And same thing with sad. Internally I was so angry that these people had a black heart…so dark and cruel. I totally felt at that moment that I had inner badass but in a good way…it was showing another side of me that I disovered about myself. And aren’t we all on a journey in the first place?

  3. Shayla says:

    And after the assurance and knowledge from Chloe herself, she makes Veganism look hot!

    She is like our little Tinkerbell conscious fairy and I love it :)

  4. athenaaaa says:

    right on! love every word!!

  5. Thank you, Chloe Jo. Thank you.

  6. Melissa says:

    This is a bit extreme, and controversial in the sense that veganism is a very obvious lifestyle CHOICE. Being born black or being homosexual are not, in my opinion. Similar to someone saying “I am a female”, not “I choose to be female”. If you’re a vegan, you’re choosing to eat a vegan diet – it’s not something you ARE or a way that you were born.

    I applaud those who alter their diets for environmentally conservative reasons, for concern for animals, but I don’t applaud being ugly to others who have not chosen the same. There’s a difference between educating someone who is ignorant and beating someone over the head with it who knows the facts but chooses a different lifestyle. Express your opinion, sure. Accost others with it? Eh, no thanks. I’d turn and walk the other way.

  7. sarah-mai says:

    Awesome post, Chloe.

  8. Jennifer says:

    Wow GGA!!! you are saying what I have felt for a while….you were responsible for my vegetarianism (not sure if that’s a word:))) 3 years ago (have not made it to vegan yet) and felt the same way…at our Celebrity Catwalk functions we’ll still serve chicken/meat/etc sine we don’t want to “push it” on the masses…..

    Then 2011 brought another ‘aha moment’ and as we plan a bunch of Spring Fundraisers there will be no meat for the myriad of obvious reasons….thank you for a great post!

  9. Betty says:

    Thank you!! These are fabulous words of wisdom GGA! Bring it on.

  10. themessenger says:

    At what point was there any suggestion of being ugly towards people who have not chosen the same lifestyle? Reality is, vegans receive so much criticism and nasty comments from meat eaters and for what, choosing not to eat animals? I think that’s absurd.

    It’s extremely hard to passively educate someone on the reasons as to why you’re vegan when all you get back is jokes and anger fueled comments.

    I agree that it is not the same thing as being born black or gay or jewish, etc, but vegans are on the short list when it comes to getting the same kind of hate fueled ignorance thrown their way.

  11. Brenda S says:

    Wonderfully written!

  12. Coco says:

    AMAZING POST! Love it!<3


  13. This post is amazing! Thank you so much for writing it. It makes me feel that much better about my new blog.. that what I’m doing is 100% right and it doesn’t matter if I don’t get a bunch of comments on the petitions I post. Even getting that one person to change their mind is a big difference and so needed. It’s one step closer to where we all need to be. Thank you!!

  14. Jeanie says:

    I am adamantly pro-vegan and have been for nearly the past decade of my life, but this comparison of veganism to being gay or black is horribly problematic and offensive. All three are marginalized communities, but no one gets to choose their skin color or sexual orientation. I’m sure that you feel, as I do, that after learning what you have about the meat and dairy industries, there is no way you could consume animal products ever again. But you’ve still made the choice. There is nothing encoded in your DNA that makes you vegan for life. This is a choice you made and you could technically stop being vegan tomorrow (even if your body would hate you for it at first, it’d probably relearn to digest animal products in time).
    Trying to equate skin color and sexual orientation with dietary choices does a tremendous disservice to the plights of those who don’t get to make the decision about whether to be marginalized. The conflation is unproductive and can only give racists, homophobes, and anti-vegans fodder for illogical and hateful comments. Let’s not apologize for being any of these three things, but let’s not equate them, either–because they aren’t equivalent. They’re apples and oranges.

    Additionally, as a longtime vegan engaged to an omnivore, I take issue with the implication that vegans with non-veg partners are somehow pushovers, or not doing their part for the cause. Becoming vegetarian is a monumental and personal decision. Strangers can’t possibly understand how heavily certain things weigh against the decision to become vegetarian in a life they haven’t lived. Not everyone has the same path to becoming vegetarian because people have vastly different motivations and backgrounds. In the spirit of this blog post, I feel like I shouldn’t have to apologize or explain why my omnivorous fiance hasn’t yet become a vegetarian. But I will say that he has had his eyes opened to a world of delicious vegan food and has seen much of the same materials that led me to becoming vegan. But we aren’t the same people, and for many reasons, it has been harder for him to make the commitment to veganism than it was for me. I do hope that one day he will go vegan. But for now, I’m quite sick of the judgment I’ve experienced from my fellow vegans, who find some fault with *me* for my PARTNER’S decisions, or for the fact that I love him despite his diet.

  15. Melissa says:

    Jeanie said it better than I, but yes. Agreed.

  16. Chloé Jo says:

    Melissa/ Jeanie:

    Good points and thank you for your insightful and intelligent comments.

    At no point was I saying that blackness and veganism are the same thing. However, the biases and hatred can be similar, and that was my point. The folks who pretend to be okay with other kinds of people, and then end up being really fearful. My point was using racism and homophobia as examples to not to allow people to belittle you in any way or feel apologetic for being “different” in terms of veganism.

    And in terms of your Husb, Jeanie. I’m glad it works for you. I was only talking about what works for me, and for those folks who would be bothered by dating someone who knows full well what goes on in factory farms and continues to eat animals. It wouldn’t work for me to have someone like that be that close to me, romantically. OF course, my family isn’t all vegan – nor are my friends. But for a romantic partner, it just wouldn’t be something I could work with. I’m too upset every single day about how animals are treated to see someone in my very home noshing on a burger. I’m not judging you, and I can imagine it gets annoying having to deal with vegans question him all the time. I do understand where they are coming from though…

    Grateful for your input.

  17. Anita says:

    Hi. I don’t think it’s a choice for everyone. I don’t think it’s a ‘diet’ or a ‘lifestyle’.

    It’s not a choice when you are 5 or 6 years old and ‘see’ the animal leg or animals tongue on your plate. For some of us it’s a literal thing.

    For some of us you can’t eat animals any more than you could eat your sister. Carol Adams explained it well. We are told to rename them and then to be quite and conform, that you and your views are not acceptable to society, not acceptable to your family, your friends, that you do not fit in anywhere. We are told this repeatedly, constantly, and in many many different ways.

    That is exactly the same thing as being told to go in the closet. It is in your face, every day, still, even in this city, everywhere you turn.

    Maybe we who see it early are literal and the rest of human culture has this myth. The myth is wrapped around what it means to consume animals that is a totally different paradigm.

    What Chloe Joe is explaining is that, just like racism or homophobia this is based of fear of changing a deeply ingrained pattern every time it comes up-even and often between ourselves. (Because we are involved with those that still hold onto the myth.)

    We are talking about the meaning of what our story is to be human. That story is also a constant. Meals are the story. Animals are the meals for most people.

    The problem for us as people who care so much about animals and see the suffering every day is how to balance the retelling of this story to those who are not getting the literalness of it, only the myth. Sometimes it’s not so easy. We are up against a lot.

    (There are so many myths; from the happy cow/milk mustache to the perfect egg to grandmas cooking and ‘tradition’ to the food pyramid to Old MacDonald to Julia Child and almost every cooking show..) We have some good new voices and we have to remember that small steps can bring great change..

    I lost my voice too because of “niceties of culture” and was a closet veg ‘live and let live’ (works great except for the animals who are dead across the table from you..) but got it back many years later after just a couple of conversations with an eloquent vegan,,you really never know the impact you are having, folks-it was enough for me to finally say Ok yah. Guess I’m vegan…? I suddenly realized it’s not radical at all, it’s easy and it’s the most conservative stance there is.

    Thanks Chloe Joe.. Keep that cute babey warm..:)

  18. Kezia says:

    I didn’t know it was possible to respect you MORE but I do!

    Melissa and Jeanie, people I know who are vegan AND gay sometimes say it’s comparable because while one doesn’t *choose* to be gay, one can choose to be out (to family, coworkers, etc.) They can of course choose to stay closeted, marry someone of the opposite sex, etc. Fortunately few will do this, but the point is being out and being vegan do share common themes, can cause issues with social acceptance, etc.

  19. Reynaldo says:

    Back to the original question? I presume that what the original husband meant is that it’s ok for you to become a vegan. Don’t push it on me would mean do not cook dinner for me or buy groceries for/me because U want to make that choice. To me the most offensive thing is when I hear people compare their life choice with being black. Of all the examples (blackness, veganism, homosexuality), their is only one that doesn’t involve a choice (being whatever race one is). Even one’s sexual preference (contrary to a growing popular opinion) is about choices. Be a vegan; be homosexual; be heterosexual; be a carnivore; be vegetarian; I’m saying be U. I’m ok with that. I’m also ok with being me, so don’t push it on me means exactly that. Be and I’ll be me.

  20. Chloé Jo says:

    Being gay is a choice? I almost responded to your comment, then got to that part and thought I could better my time with people that have a clue.

  21. Dawn says:

    Very inspiring! What lovely words. Thank you for your post and GGA! xoxo

  22. livingdeadgirl says:

    it was said once before, and i have to agree, for some people, being Vegan is not a choice. i don’t sit down to dinner and have to decide if i want a steak or seitan. there is no choice. maybe this comes with being veg for so long (veg from age 9-22, vegan from 22-33, for a total of 24 years of being meat free). it’s hard to explain…but there is no option, no choice, no craving, no will power to put into play NOT to eat something un-vegan….it’s just NOT an option, much like it’s not an option that i choose between being female vs. male. i’m a hardwired vegan and proud to be!

  23. JociJane says:

    My boyfriend grew up in “fine” dining restaurants, learning the perfect wine to compliment the perfect piece of meat. His doctors told him to load up on the red meat as he is Anemic. He spent 27 years appreciating this lifestyle and taking pride in knowing how to cook the perfect “rare”. I told him I was a vegetarian when we met, so he respectfully cooked only vegetarian dishes for me. When I told him my reasons for not eating meat, he began to do the research himself and together we developed into vegans.

    Growing into the conscious, healthy individuals that we are today has not only help strengthen our character and self-respect, but solidified our relationship as we consider ourselves soul-mates. When he attends family BBQ’s and requests veggie burgers, although distant relatives and friends may call him “GAY,” and a “girly-man” he never compromises and is more of a man in my eyes.

    He is now honored by Mercy For Animals as a Lead Photographer and has expanded his Photography and Design company as a result, donating 10% of his proceeds to organizations that support Marriage Equality and Animal Rights.

  24. Stephanie says:

    I would just like to say that I really liked this post and it resonated with me…

    I shared it with my friends and the omnis were PISSED and “offended” :( It actually started a big ol fight on my page.

    I refuse to take it down, because that really would betray the whole point of the article :)

    Thanks for this.

  25. Ari Solomon says:

    What a terrific post! There is nothing pushy about simply speaking the truth about how “food” is produced. People who claim they don’t want you to push your veganism on them translates something like this: “Don’t tell me what happens to the animals because then I might actually have to think about what I’m doing and then I might actually have to change… waaaah!!!” Fuck that shit. Yes, change can feel difficult and going vegan might seem like a huge departure for some people, but nothing feels better than aligning your actions with your values.

    If you truly care about animal suffering, there is simply no way you can continue to eat factory farmed meat/eggs/dairy. Going vegan is not difficult, it’s simple. Get a fucking vegan cookbook (there only a million out there) and get over it. Go to a vegan restaurant and see how amazing the food is. And then, once you go vegan, never apologize for doing something that reduces suffering in the world. Be proud. It’s not just about speaking “your” truth. It’s about speaking THE truth.

  26. Jenny says:

    I love this post. It brought tears to my eyes. I was vegan and then turned back to vegetarian so my family would be less intimidated by my choice. My family would say they supported my decision, but when I would pull out Earth Balance when they visited, they’d say “So all we have is that vegan stuff?”
    My boyfriend loves all my vegan baked goods, but getting him to fully commit to trying more has been difficult. We are on a budget, and I found eating cheese has made it so we can share more meals. I really felt like I’ve compromised my beliefs and what I know is right for my health.

  27. Chloé Jo says:

    Jenny, Have you tried introducing him to the Dr. Cows and Daiya cheese? They are game-changers! Need more info or suggestions? I know how hard it is. Has he seen earthlings? Try holding a screening for your family, and don’t give them a choice about seeing it!

  28. megan hansler says:

    best post i’ve read in a LONG time. thanks!!

  29. Allison Tray says:

    What a FANTASTIC post. My 2 cents- Being Vegan is a choice. For the most part children are raised as meat-eaters, right? I didn’t know any kids growing up who were vegetarian. So, It’s a choice, a heroic choice and an admirable one at that. Being vegan didn’t work for me on a health level due to many allergy and health issues but what veganism and knowledge HAS done for me is to make me aware, make conscious choices and do my part, dietary and otherwise, where I can for animals.Since being a GGA member, I am changed for the better by far.

    I can tell you as a big ole ‘mo myself- being Gay is NOT a choice andyomre than race is.

    Whether you will follow the path of Veganism or not, there is alot to be learned from Chloe Jo about alternatives and living a better life for YOU, the animals and our planet.

  30. Allison Tray says:

    PS- Reynaldo, my attraction to Women isn’t a choice anymore than your race, Darling. Why would I choose to live a lifestyle that is hated upon STILL in most parts of the world- oh- I could even be put to death in some countries, that offers me ZERO rights, and NO SAY whatsoever if anything happens to my longterm partner and she ends up terminal. Think about it, Pal.

  31. Kristin Mularz says:

    WOW! I loved this article. Does anyone know where I can watch/get a copy of Peaceable Kingdom? I have been Vegan for 5 years and got my boyf to go Vegetarian but he is still eating eggs and cheese. I’m hoping Peaceable Kingdom will put him over the edge! Please let me know! :)

  32. Jillian says:

    “At no point was I saying that blackness and veganism are the same thing. However, the biases and hatred can be similar, and that was my point . . .”

    “Biases” and “hatred” straight cis white vegans experience do not even remotely compare to what PoC, LGBT and other marginalized groups experience on a daily basis. From under/unemployment [PoC] to shorter life expectancy rates [PoC] to being raped in numbers that are closer to 1:3 and 1:4 instead of 1:6 (and that’s just in the United States) [PoC] to being barred from marriage [GLBT] to not getting to sit by a dying partner’s side [GLBT] to the slur for the group you belong to being the last thing you ever hear [many marginalized].

    How many times have you apologized for being vegan and feared for your life?

    Obviously a lot of the stuff I mentioned is the big stuff. It’s not the day-to-day indignities that marginalized people face. And maybe I should have mentioned those things, too, because you either don’t know or had a momentary lapse when writing this post to have even begun to go here. So, what? I hear that stupid People for Eating Tasty Animals joke for the 16,000 time. Someone wants to argue the finer points of veganism with me in the lunchroom while I’d rather go back to my book? Yeah, tiresome. Annoying. But it doesn’t even rate.

  33. Sophie Feng says:

    This is the BEST BLOG ever!!! Thank you!!!

  34. Mélanie says:

    Fabulous article! Ilove it! I, like many women, had an “apologetic” start to veganism. My husband said to me that he would NEVER become a vegetarian (he didn’t know what a vegan was) and he was very upset when I went veg. He felt that because I do all the cooking and fodd preparation at our house, that my being vegan ment I was “pushing it” on him. I told him he could eat what he wanted, but I would be making and eating only vegan food and feeding it to the kids. I tell you, it was rough at first! After a year (yes, a full year) he finally agreed to taste tofu for the first time and he actually liked it.

    Although I could have asserted myself more in the begining, I am still very proud of going veg. Simply becoming vegan was a brave move, I feel, because it meant putting my health and wellbeing, and that of my children, ahead of pleasing my husband. In the end, he loves that he married a strong-willed and opinionated woman. I don’t think I could have stayed married to someone who doesn’t love my vegan fabulous self :)

  35. Natasha says:

    I know you’ve already responded to comments regarding the comparisons to race and sexuality, so I’m going to leave that alone, but this post still infuriates me.

    The reason non-vegans are automatically so defensive is because a vast majority of vegans do push their beliefs and say the exact same thing as what you have said – that you’re making the RIGHT choice. It automatically implies that people who aren’t vegan are making the WRONG choice. Not only that, but also that people who eat meat can’t possible love animals as much as you do.

    For starters, different people are passionate about different things. You’re passionate about animal rights, and that’s amazing. I’m vego, my best friend is vegan. I support her, and she would never condemn me for still eating eggs and drinking milk. I source all my animal products from animal friendly farms (YES, they exist! More so in Australia, where I’m from, than the US) and I try to make informed decisions about where I buy any animal product from, so yes, I do get offended as soon as a vegan tries to tell me I don’t care about animals as much as they do. But say I was more inclined towards Human rights. I could quite as easily explain to you why your cheap $25 top that was manufactured in a sweat shop is disgusting and WRONG. So essentially, you’re making the right choice for you, and for what you believe you should be fighting for on your path in life!

    How do you expect to help create a peaceful environment when you’re willing to make this a “them and us” battle? Saying things like “If someone doesn’t get on board with you eventually, they may not have the same kind of heart and commitment to equality and compassion that you do. Do you really want to be with that person? I personally wouldn’t.” Creates as much ignorance and hate as someone who is personally offended by your choices. Each is a closed minded reaction, just at different sides of the spectrum. It’s almost like saying that as a Catholic you could never be friends with a Buddhist, because they don’t believe in the same things as you.

    I do believe that your general message in telling people not to apologise for their choices is the right message to convey, but there is a difference between not apologising for who you are, and trying to force your beliefs onto others while looking down your nose at those who don’t choose the same lifestyle as you.

    I hope you find this as constructive criticism rather than an attack. I think you’re doing a great job at promoting awareness and well done for sticking to your morals so strongly. I only suggest that in the future, you realise that as humans the only way to a more peaceful planet is through support, not zealotry.

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