Funny girl Daiva Dupree take a moment to contemplate Breastfeeding from a Single Mommyless Gal’s perspective.
All three of my cousins and two of my friends, just had babies. Now, a lot of my friends have had children, but never have I been more confronted by breastfeeding than over the last six months. Before I go any further let me say in big bold letters…I HAVE ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO PROBLEM WITH BREASTFEEDING. I think women should do it whenever and wherever they please…without a doubt. I feel so strongly about it, in fact, that I have a tendency to “over display” my comfort level with the fact that my friend or relative is breastfeeding in front of me. I turn into a crazy person, twitching and staring so they know I approve, or more importantly, that I don’t disapprove. I’m fully aware that they couldn’t care less about how I’m feeling about their breastfeeding, but no matter, I turn on the “I’m-Totally-Ok-With-Seeing-Your-Boob Show” without fail…Every. Single. Time. I just did it again, this week at a baby shower. The gift circle “Oohs and Ahs” had died down, and I was sitting and chatting with one of my Young Mom friends. She was glowing in that way that new Mom’s glow, and I was desperately trying to hide the fact that I had a hangover from post-show drinks the night before. That’s the thing about being a single, raunchy, comedian at a Springtime baby shower…you walk into a room full of women wearing pastel colors and perfect ponytails, and you smell like red wine and cuss words, with fake eyelash glue still clinging to your eyelids, like you’ve been clinging to your youth…but I digress.
We were finishing up our conversation about whether or not I was dating anybody (another inevitable part of being “the single girl” at a baby shower), when I saw the tell-tale “shifting of the baby and reach into the blouse” move. “Uh oh,” I thought, you’re about to make more of a fool of yourself than you did last night.” And, sure enough, the rest of it went something like this…
“OK, Daiva, be cool. Be cool. I’m sure she knows that you think this is perfectly natural…toootally normal. Don’t freak out and do something weird to prove it to her. OK? What are you doing!? Don’t avert your eyes! She’s going to think you’re embarrassed! Nothing to be ashamed of. You can look at her…go ahead…ya…look right at her. There you go…maybe…um…give her a little wave …Hey, how are you…just sitting here while you’re breastfeeding your baby…I’m totally comfortable with this, FYI…totally looking right at you even though I can totally see your boob…yep, there it is. Doesn’t bother me. A naked boob. No problem. Piece of cake. Absolutely, I can sit right next to you while your baby is sucking on your boob…I mean, breastfeeding… Breastfeeding. I know all the lingo. Like, um…”latch on”, I know that one…at first I thought that was a joke, but it’s not, and I know that now. I can see your nipple. Daiva, relax! Just because you can’t stand naked in the locker room at the gym, doesn’t mean she cares if you can see her nipple! I think you’re looking at her too much. Maybe eat something so she knows you can even eat while she’s breastfeeding…Nice, well done. OK, good…this is a beautiful thing. I am watching my friend feed her baby with her own boob. How beautiful is that?! My friend made milk inside her own body, and then her body sent it to her boob, and now her baby is sucking that milk right out of her boob through her nipple!…That is almost as beautiful as the fact that she made this baby inside her own body and then pushed it out…right out of her jazz…woops, just got a little woozy, maybe don’t think about that part. You know what, maybe let’s stand up and get you a mimosa. But, make sure you don’t look like you’re leaving because you’re uncomfortable. Smile or something…UM, DID YOU JUST GIVE HER A THUMBS UP!?! You’re an idiot.”
I tripped over to the drink area and began the “Just-So-Everybody-Knows-This-Is-My-First-Mimosa-At-This-Babyshower Show,” which involves me first getting a non-achoholic drink and gesturing wildly with it so everyone sees it, and inevitably making myself look very drunk.
I wish I could still afford my therapist.
Daiva Deupree is an actor, writer, and part-time wedding planner. She co-wrote, and is currently performing in, “Two Girls For Five Bucks and The Ten Dollar Heartbreakers” at Ars Nova until March 28th. www.arsnovanyc.com