“I was born perfect. The rest is just beliefs that I picked up…I don’t believe them anymore. I choose to believe that I am perfect and whole.” – Caron Goode
Ever wondered why some parents can keep a sense of humor in the face of their child’s challenging behavior while another parent starts yelling? Why some parents plague themselves with criticism, worry and doubt while others seem more able to just relax and enjoy their children?
Yes, some children are more challenging than others. But whatever our child’s behavior, some of us find it harder to stay calm than others. Why?
Sometimes, it’s just our stress level. We all know that when we’re under stress, we’re less patient.
But most often it’s our own thoughts and attitudes, which means the way we’re interpreting the situation. So where one parent might respond to a child’s rudeness with quiet dignity and curiosity about why the child is so upset, another might get triggered, believing that defiance is dangerous.
6 Steps to Vaporize Your Negative Beliefs and Heal Your Self Criticism
We don’t even notice such beliefs, which are usually unconscious and were often shaped in early childhood. For instance,
We often talk about thoughts and beliefs as if they’re interchangeable. Actually, beliefs are more like a subconscious worldview that shapes how we perceive our experiences, and gives rise to our thoughts. So our beliefs are often what lead us to get so upset at our kids, and to be so critical of ourselves.
Why is the mind so self-critical? One of the core beliefs of most minds is that until we’re perfect, we might not be loved, and if we aren’t loved, we’ll die. So the mind has a big incentive to bludgeon us into perfection. Guess where the mind formed that belief?
Want to heal your self criticism? Six simple steps. (Okay, not so easy. But simple. You can do this.)
1. Say aloud: “I have to be perfect to be loved.” Notice your emotional and/or physical reaction. (For me, this phrase makes me crumple.) This is what we’re going to heal. Now just put that aside for a moment.
2. How did your parents react when you displeased them? Imagine a particular incident from your childhood. Play the scene out in your mind with you as the observer. Notice their reactions. Notice your reactions, inside and out. What did you conclude?
3. Can you see why you concluded that you weren’t “good enough” to be lovable, just the way you were, from this interaction and others? After you “learned” this belief, you applied it to many other situations. Thoughts derived from this belief create your feelings in interactions even today.
4. Imagine a compassionate observer. Might someone watching have formed a different interpretation than you did? For instance, might they have concluded that:
5. Give your younger self an alternate explanation for your parents’ behavior. Tell yourself: “You are lovable and more than enough, just the way you are.” Say it aloud. (Yes, aloud. That’s an important part of reprogramming your subconscious.) How does that feel? Say it again. Let that good feeling sink in. Say it again: “I am more than enough.”
6. Now say aloud again: “I have to be perfect to be loved.” Notice your emotional reaction. Are you indignant now, rather than hopeless? That’s a good sign. If the words just feel flat, with no emotional resonance, they’re no longer true for you. If they feel even a bit true, just keep repeating this exercise until the belief is gone.
A deep belief like this one can take repeated reflection to “reprogram,” maybe even a few minutes daily for a month. But since this belief is behind so much of our inner criticism, it’s worth it. Even, potentially, miraculous.
Aside to self-critical people/ parents: Are you feeling a bit nervous about the beliefs your child is forming? You don’t have to be perfect. Deep beliefs don’t derive from a single incident but the accumulation of repeated parent-child interactions. Just keep supporting yourself to stay emotionally regulated and connected, and your child’s beliefs will keep evolving as you do.
Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and
– you can visit her at ahaparenting.com.
Purchase her books here;
Tags: criticism, growth, markham, self help, self love
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