Sunday, December 17th, 2017

Staunch Conservatives Finally Pull Support of Moore After Latest Bombshell

Published on November 19, 2017 by   ·   No Comments Pin It
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Arch conservative groups in Alabama and across the country are finally pulling their support of embattled senate candidate Roy Moore, following new allegations from another accuser today—but unlike Moore’s previous accusers, the newest person to come forward is a man.

Moore’s long-time friend, James Goodman, acknowledged today that he and Moore engaged in a romantic relationship from 2003 – 2006.  Unlike most of the women who say Moore assaulted them when they were underage, Goodman alleges he was an adult at the time, and that the relationship was completely consensual—as well as extremely healthy, built on love, trust, communication, and mutual respect.

Major conservative groups and leaders immediately withdrew their support for Moore.

Withdrawing their endorsement were the American Personal Freedom Coalition, Families Union of Alabama (FU-Alabama), Right Is Correct USA, Sean Hannity, Dr. Laura, Scott Baio, and other titans of the right wing.

“Given these new revelations, we have no choice but to withdraw our support,” said Chad Whitman, president of the American Personal Freedom Coalition.  “Look, before we were just talking about sexual assault on underage girls.  That’s just trying to have a normal relationship, but being a little early and a little too… spunky about it.  But this other relationship was with a man.  We don’t consider that normal behavior, so we do everything we can to stop others from engaging in it.”

The Chair of FU-Alabama, Mark Weesel, commented, “I mean look, before we were talkin’ about a little skirt chasin’ at the mall, it’s boys will be boys stuff, locker room talk and what not y’know?  But a man and a man—that goes against everything we stand for as a pro-family organization. I don’t care what party you’re in, that kind of behavior crosses the line.”

“Look, before all you had was a bunch of women throwing around a lot of independently verifiable accusations, and dozens of other people in Moore’s hometown and across the state, and major media outlets—which are all fake—backing up the women’s claims.  But this new accuser is a man.  Like Jesus was,” said Alabama Republican Majority Leader Fritzerman Enreich.  “So I assume his story checks out.”

Moore completely denied the new allegations, first saying he had never seen James Goodman, until a photo of the two men together was obtained by the Birmingham Times.  Moore then released a statement saying he had met Goodman but never touched him or any other man, even to shake his hand.  When video of Moore shaking mens’ hands emerged, he said he “generally” didn’t engage in homosexual sex.  Finally, later today, Moore released a statement that said simply, “Look—I’m not a Democrat, o.k.?  I mean, what’s worse, a Democrat or a gay?”

America’s right wing organizations and conservatives everywhere then released a joint statement saying that while any Democrat is indeed worse than a heterosexual child molester, an LGBTQ person is worse than both.

This article is satire.  It’s real fake news.  But unfortunately, the views of the fictional characters in this piece are probably all-too reflective of real conservative thoughts.

The author of this “report”, Cullen Schwarz, is friend and fan of Girlie Girl Army, and is one of the cofounders of DoneGood, a platform that makes it easy to find progressive companies that are reducing poverty, fighting climate change, vegan, cruelty-free, and/or doing other good stuff. 

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