Wednesday, March 21st, 2018

Lessons in Recovery: Who’s Your Daddy?

Published on May 23, 2012 by   ·   11 Comments Pin It

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What happens when a Jewish gypsy signs up for a Christian dating site? Darrah de jour is a fearless redheaded dervish, a glamazon and “Suicide Girl” who will be sharing some of her innermosts with us from now on. We know you’ll enjoy her like we do. Welcome Darrah to the family!

by Darrah de jour
Recently, I stumbled upon one of those Christian-centric dating sites, and being that I’m one of those odd birds that will do shit just to experience it, I signed up.  I don’t necessarily identify as Christian (I’m of Jewish and gypsy ancestry, and was also “saved” – it’s a long story) and I probably wouldn’t go on a date via an online site — not that they aren’t fantastic, and friends aren’t, like, getting married due to the magic of But, if you must know, the scent of a man or woman is a huge indicator of my attraction and our future.  And, I can’t smell shizz through the keyboard.
All of this being said, reading their profiles, proclaiming endless devotion to Jesus, got me thinking.

If you are not part and parcel of an organized religion, but you do have a spiritual path that shapes your everyday choices, at the end of the day, Who’s Your Daddy?
Furthermore, if you were raised in an alcoholic home, or you are dating or friends with an alcoholic or addict, are you forever doomed to the hamster wheel of redefining your identity within the scope of both program, as well as your relationship with the alcoholic?

They say alcoholics drink, and Al-Anonics think. Sitting on my couch for an hour analyzing a situation is tirelessly easy for me. What would seem arduous for a “normal” person (I hate that word!) is quite simple, and even enjoyable for me. However, part of my recovery is to stop sitting around analyzing and thinking the shit out of shit. I will never know the mysteries of another — especially because, as Dr. Gregory House says — everybody lies! Judging my insides against others’ outsides is an exercise in futility. And when the shit hits the fan, you don’t want a futile mess to clean up on top of it.

Because I can get very lost in trying to decipher why people do the things they do, unfortunately, in the midst of analyzing somebody else, I quite literally lose myself.  This is a wonderful gift if you’re writing a fictional character, not so awesome if you are living the life of this character!

I used to have a post-it stuck to my computer that said “my god is peace.” Whenever drama ensued, or if I was flirting with disaster, I would look at it (or rather, my roving eyes would find it by will of something greater than myself) and time would sort of envelop me. Time and grace. “Shhhh. Stop,” it would say. “Relax.” And thus, I did.

Now, I struggle to reclassify my intention, and my direction… Is my god still peace?  Or is it: purity, drama, fun, violence, sexuality, rebellion, health, my family, my facebook friends, my goals, my downfalls, my accomplishments, money, wonder, curiosity, other people’s words and choices?

Lately, I’ve felt happiness in ways that I have prayed for for a long time now. To be seen and revered for who I truly am, rather than some gazey perception or provocation or projection of another’s sexual fantasy. (Not to say I don’t like that from time to time — because I most certainly do. But, I really want to work toward wholeness, and toward somebody knowing me fully, and from that fullness, I can sink into being “objectified” if that makes sense.) I’m looking forward to seeing where this new space that’s being held for me leads. Perhaps, the space was always there. I have a feeling it was. Now that I recognize it, god will maybe reveal more.

Today, I embrace the ‘not knowing’ and in other words, the fact that right now, my god is faith in the unseen, and while I am still stumbling and fumbling, I can only hope it’s one step closer to ecstasy.

Darrah de jour is a freelance journalist, publicist, and consultant, with a focus on sensuality, environmentalism, and fearless women in the media.  Her lifestyle writing and celebrity interviews have appeared in Marie Claire, Esquire and W, among others.  She contributes author and filmmaker interviews to The Rumpus. Darrah’s column for SuicideGirls,“Red, White and Femme: Strapped With A Brain – And A Vagina” takes a fresh look at females in America. Twice monthly, Ms. de jour co-hosts SG Radio on Indie 103.1 FM. She lives in LA with her doggie Oscar Wilde. Subscribe to her blog at: and friend her on Facebook:

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Readers Comments (11)

  1. maria says:

    Darrah, Congrats on your first column here! What an amazing addition to the Girliegirl Army family — they are lucky to have you!

    Having grown up in an Italian Catholic household where shame and denial were our gods, I have no interest in organized religion. I do consider myself spiritual at times, and have felt Jesus on numerous occasions — if you know what I mean. ;)

    If I had to put a post-it on my computer that I could look at when I needed help navigating this world, I think it would read “Does this make you happy?”

    One of my largest quests in this life is creating an existence where I am myself — at all times. Seems simple, but I can’t tell you how many choices I make and then find myself wondering, “why did I do THAT? Why didn’t I choose my happiness instead?”

    Lastly, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share with you that there are people on OKCupid who smell amazing in person ;)

    • mary says:

      darrah! i second there being awesome smelling dudes on okcupid! i joined okc for the same reason you joined the christian one…experiences. and i met a boy who drives me insane in every way, smells awesome and keeps me interested. last night i actually told him about the part about you not going on internet dates for that reason. we had a good chuckle. =)

  2. Uncle Tim says:

    I love the brutal honesty that Darrah has with her self. It’s refreshing to read an article that is not only well written but truthful. There is no attempt to make her “look good”. Well done!!!

  3. Seffy says:

    I really enjoyed this, great article Darrah!

  4. Tiffany says:

    Wow, a very honest piece not so much about Christian dating sights (thank goodness) as it is about the inner workings of a wonderfully creative mind set to the tune of positive evolution. I think you’re on the right path of self discovery and self-exploration and maybe your God is truly ‘the best of Darrah’, because that is where God is said to live; within us all. Incidentally, I think you’ll find your best other half for life, as you define whom among your friends complements you most deeply. Very nice article.

  5. etatecarter says:

    After reading your first installment– all I could do (I’m still doing it) is fell extremely happy and excited for you, Darrah!

    I hope your other reader’s will be as happy, hopeful, and encouraged as I am in my journey by reading your words.

  6. etatecarter says:

    The exciting and wonderfully ambiguous “take-away” I got from your (well-written/expressed) article was a sense that perhaps, like yourself–is that there is something “less-than” about the identities, persona’s that I present (or get labelled with)yet, the most rare and unique creature that you (Darrah) are, and others, if they are brave enough– is in becoming more of who we really are. Not the carefully crafted persona’s we have shown the social sphere we want approval from, or even the type of person we admired and wanted to emulate…but this exquisitely unique, not yet been discovered and revealed creature that the divine artist has intended all along. Am i making sense?

  7. Brad Warner says:

    Thanks Darrah!

  8. Big D says:

    Still shaking my pompoms! So proud!

  9. […] and filmmaker interviews to The Rumpus, Hollywood Today. Her dating confessions have appeared in GirlieGirl Army and xoJane. Darrah’s “Red, White and Femme” columns for SuicideGirls takes a fresh look at […]

  10. […] and filmmaker interviews to The Rumpus, Hollywood Today and her dating confessions have appeared in GirlieGirl Army and xoJane. Darrah’s “Red, White and Femme” columns for SuicideGirls takes a fresh look at […]

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