Saturday, September 20th, 2014

Vegans Are Not The A-holes

Published on July 13, 2011 by   ·   54 Comments Pin It
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Jamie Kilstein is hands down the funniest person we know. And he happens to be a vegan progressive badass of many colors. If you don’t believe we know from funny, read on. Oh, and if you live in LA, you’d be a fool to miss his performance this coming Monday eve!

We vegans aren’t just more immune to heart disease and cancer than most people, but we also have a superhero like immunity to dipshit insults. Having spent many Thanksgivings being lectured about our diet, while a drunken relative is elbow-deep in Turkey ass acting like they are the adults in the room, we have found ways to tune out their babbling and silently laugh. When Uncle Beer-Gutted Sloppy Mess asks us where we get our protein –like they’re diabetes makes them fitness experts– we can openly mock them, knowing they won’t be able to chase us for they can’t climb stairs. With that said, it is still tough to deal with. We know the pain of the animals, the tolls to the earth, and the names of the giant corporations profiting from our greed and ignorance. We know the amount of suffering that is in a glass of milk. So when someone attacks US for our diet, the first reaction is to drop your level, tackle them, and beat them with your kale-fueled fists. But here is what’s awesome: people are growing up. People are changing their lifestyles and accepting ours. And the people who aren’t? Well, they just look dumber and dumber every year.

Jamie bringing on the hee-haws!

So, I now present to you my top 5 favorite asshole arguments for why we need to eat and digest dead things:

5. “God designed animals to eat!”

Really?! Is that why “God” gave them mouths to scream, and legs to –I don’t know– RUN AWAY!?

When you’re chasing the cow down I-95 that just jumped a fence, and is sprinting for its freedom, are you saying to yourself, “Yup. All part of God’s plan. He sure knows how to design these things!”?

Nope! I’m pretty sure that animal doesn’t want to end up on some plate.

God also created children. How do we know they’re not the ones we are supposed to eat? He didn’t leave us directions!

Let me back up…I’m not advocating the cannibalization of children. I’m just saying if I had the choice between eating a cow that did nothing but moo in my general direction, or eat the kid running around the mall scream-singing You’re A Grand Old Flag, I’m BBQ’ing the kid. A baby cow has never kicked the back of my seat at a movie theater for two and a half hours, a baby duck never threw a fork across a Denny’s floor when I was stoned and sixteen in the scariest moment of my life. Fuck it. Eat the kids!

4. “Don’t you like humans?”

Yeah, I do, dipshit. Maybe not you, but most humans, which is why I don’t want us all dead by the age of 40, or on fire when the final ozone layer melts off. What about the immigrants at the factory farms? I care about them. Oh, but when you said “humans,” you meant “rich, white men,” because you’re an asshole.

3. “What if you were on a desert island….?”

I won’t be on a desert island ’cause it’s 2011 and I live in Brooklyn. But if I was, it would probably be awesome, and there would be a hatch, and a smoke monster, and really good character development, until they show a light in the door instead of a real fucking ending… but we are going to pretend that didn’t happen. I miss you LOST. I miss you so much.

2. “Hitler was a vegetarian.”

Now, even if that was true, that means that even Hitler, THE GREATEST MONSTER THIS PLANET HAS EVER SEEN –when someone was like, “Hey man, you want to eat that chicken?”–Hitler was like… “That’s fucked up. dude! That chicken has a family! Grow up!”

1. “I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!”

Really?! You did that?! You, Frank from Staten Island, climbed to the top of the food chain for all of us? You went on a 24-hour boar hunt so you could feed the rest of the village?! You did that?! You went and dragged dinner home after catching it with weapons you made out of dirt and sticks?!

Or was it you, Frank from Staten Island, who drove your SUV two blocks to the store, then got out, did your sad waddle to the front, and had to ASK where the meat section is ’cause bright lights confuse you. Then you, FRANK from Staten Island, grabbed some pre-packaged dead thing that YOU didn’t even kill yourself (it was killed by illegal immigrants that are getting paid minimum wage with the bonus of “hopefully not being deported,”) then you, FRANK from Staten Island, have to give it to your wife to cook ’cause the last time you made dinner you burnt the hot pockets. Then you, Frank from Staten Island, put on FOX News, insert your hand down your pants and think, “yeah, it’s good to be at the top of the food chain.” Darwin would have killed himself is he knew you were what was coming!

So, embrace your “I heart Tofu” shirt. Proudly order your veggie wrap. Scream at the top of your lungs that you are a proud vegan because it’s not you that should feel bad for the choices you make. It’s these idiots.

Jamie Kilstein is a proud vegan and political comedian based out of Brooklyn. He has been seen on the Conan O’brian show, CNN, Showtimes The Green Room, and co-hosts wearecitizenradio.com where he and his partner Allison Kilkenny have interviewed such guests as Sarah Silverman, Janeane Garofalo, Rachel Maddow, Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn, Bad Religion, Regina Spektor and more! Support Jamie, love him, cherish him.. he’s a national treasure. Watch him on youtube, listen to his radio show, check out his website, and twitter-stalk him. He won’t mind.

LOS ANGELENOS: Jamie will be preforming for one night only in front of fancy meat eating TV producers with no souls in suits. Come out and help this vegan get on TV again! Monday July 18th. Info and tickets here. TRUST US: You’ll laugh harder than you ever have before.

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Readers Comments (54)

  1. themessenger says:

    Jamie, not only are you a genius, but these may be the greatest answers to give the dumb ass “people” I have ever heard.

    Thank you for your existence

  2. Medusa says:

    This guy is a rabid genius. I’ll be supporting everything he does from now on. Thanks for alerting me to the best comic I never knew about, GGA!

  3. Taylor says:

    HILARIOUS.

  4. challahgirl says:

    Loved every word!

    Thanks for the awesome post!

  5. Mariko says:

    I can’t wait to share this link! Can I borrow these responses to deal with my own daily dose of dumb asses?

  6. Hmm,
    Unfortunate. I am not a vegan yet also find the implicit accusations and asinine shots taken at their diet and lifestyle choices to be silly and illogical. However I am afraid that this piece is cut from the same logic. Its not genius, its pubescent-esque rantings. Superfical accusactions met with teenage angst responses.

    You have created a straw man (all too common technique to construct your pariah) and then pulled him down with pop-chique vapid-rage rebuttals.

    Its a an interesting topic and a ‘cultural war’ worthy of debate. This however fails to see the mark, let alone meet it…

  7. I should make clear, vegans are not a-holes, you are right, but with the defense here, its hard to make that case legitmately.

  8. lisa says:

    i like this, and i’m with you, but “they’re” means “they are”. just saying.

  9. Ok, but I’m gonna go ahead and say–he’s a comedian, not a professor. He doesn’t make money if people don’t laugh, and people will probably be more likely to laugh at the “Frank from Staten Island” character than a dissertation about veganism, which is why there is a 2 drink minimum at comedy shows. The point of comedy is to find a common denominator (everyone can imagine what the “Frank from Staten Island” character looks like, complete with white socks and jean shorts for family BBQs, obnoxious tan, and polo shirt, etc) to illustrate a bigger point by deconstruction. Half of comedy is self deprecation–the other half is just making fun of other people.

  10. Valorie says:

    Hilarious! Let’s turn the table on the neanderthals. I love it! Don’t worry Brian…just go back to your cave.

  11. an angry atheist says:

    i agree wholeheartedly with brian joubert: this self-righteous rant is neither entertaining nor particularly insightful and is much like the baseless ranting of various teabagger talking heads. furthermore, it perpetuates ignorance by repeating misconceptions or outright falsehoods about diet and ethical behaviour.

    5) humans have evolved as omnivores, no belief in gawd necessary. sometimes we are the eater, sometimes we are the eaten… speaking of evolution, because you are vegan, are you denying nature in forcing your cats to be? (cats are obligate carnivores)

    4) non sequitur, straw man, plurium interrogationum

    3) non sequitur, straw man (an actual desert island will likely have little or no life…and you would probably die of dehydration before you managed to starve)

    2) sweeping generalisation, irrelevant conclusion

    1) irrelevant conclusion – just because frank from staten island didn’t himself account for the totality of evolution, does not mean that humans do not sit in a privileged position on the food chain. this position does not grant carte blanche, but, that isn’t what you are arguing against (as that would be the more appropriate conversation)

    i was a very regular listener until the episode with @erinthered, where the three of you spewed verbal garbage all over what could have been an intelligent conversation about what is a healthy diet, or what it means to be ethical.

    from that show, it is clear that three of you are largely ignorant to the realities of living outside major metropolitan areas (ie erin’s suggestions to a rural teenager’s question about how to be a vegetarian or vegan when they are not the ones shopping or cooking, have no independent income to buy food, and moreover have no access to wholefoods or similar). you willfully ignored the existence of local, organic, and/or free-range products/co-ops (like where one would go and shovel shit, repair fences, and get to keep some of the milk that they hand-milked from a cow or goat). instead you talk about soy-derived products and ignore the facts that soy is one of the most genetically modified foods and much of it is supplied from wayfuckingfarfromnyc (like china), not to mention that processed soy negatively affects your tsh (thyroid-stimulating hormone) levels….but, as i have already stated, that show was a self-righteous and ignorant rant.

    don’t choke on your tofu, honey!

  12. Chloé Jo says:

    Hey Angry Atheist, aka dingaling,

    Don’t let your guilt hit you in the tuchus.

    Your over the top intellectual snobbery clearly doesn’t do anything to help the world. What is “Verbal Garbage” about trying to lessen murder? Are you that closed off that you can’t see that encouraging veganism CERTAINLY doesn’t hurt anyone, and CERTAINLY helps – the planet, health of humans, and obviously the animals.

    And your idiocy about veganism being for the elite has been negated factually over and over (happy to provide references, but you’d never read them since you are too busy polishing your mustache.) The only “self-righteous and ignorant rant” here is yours.

    No go sit on your colon-cancer spot and rotate.

  13. DeeCeeBC says:

    I get a kick out of how folks who eat creatures work so hard to find things to try to justify their doing so.

    Must have something to do with the animal product-causing atherosclerosis of the brain.

  14. an angry atheist says:

    @chloe,

    your ad hominem response is unfortunate, as your assumptions about my gender, my eating habits, my ethical beliefs, and my past are rather detrimental to your cause…but, i am going to go make an assumption of my own and say that you don’t care ^_^

    although i neither stated nor implied that veganism was only for the elite, i would be interested in reading the repeated, factual, negation of your supposition. i didn’t even use the word elite, but as i suppose i did imply an elitist-attitude on the part of allison, jamie, and erin, i will concede that you could draw that conclusion from my statements. my apologies for the use of implication; it has been too many years since i was a student of rhetoric and logic.

    @deeceebc

    i get a kick out of how hard extremists of any persuasion work to show that they are not extremists (and yes, vegan is an extreme, it can be factually demonstrated, over-and-over again)

    now i am off to wax (not polish) my (non-existent) mustache and eat some still-screaming baby carrots and hummus….err i mean deep-fried, bacon-wrapped baby animals dipped in extra-eggy-mayonnaise and worcestershire sauce

  15. DeeCeeBC says:

    There is nothing wrong with being extremist when one is working towards the end of needless suffering. I make no apologies for that.

    And I sincerely doubt that it has been that many years since you were a student of rhetoric– it comes far too easily for you. ;-)

    If you truly believe in your position, and are such a student of logic, is it really necessary for you to end your piece with a sentence obviously designed to upset others who passionately believe in their positions and ways of life?

  16. yinyangman says:

    Folks, please… Don’t explain to the confused people the difference between comedy and science. Watching them write about straw man arguments and extremist labels is endlessly amusing to me.

  17. the Doctor says:

    Hey, look! Jamie is a comedian and not the be-all-end-all of fact generating (pretty sure he’s never ACTUALLY interviewed Jan Brewer, yet she was a CR guest just two days ago), big words are impressive, beans are cheaper than meat, when someone does not address every possible issue that could arise from their central argument, it does not mean the opposition is correct (1. “Would you still be vegan if you were stranded on a desert island?” 2. “That will never happen.” 1. “NON-SEQUITOR!”), and methane (farts) from factory farming contributes to global warming as much as all other non-CO2 greenhouse gasses combined. Methane is also the source of nearly half of the global warming effects that humans are responsible for.

    Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.

  18. Mandi says:

    This is all kinds of awesome.

    Dear Naysayers:

    Jamie is a COMEDIAN. His job is to create hyperbole and make biased insults. This is COMEDY.

    .sigh.

  19. razldazl says:

    an atheist who is not a vegan? i think you better start thinking even more outside the box dear selfish and cruel buddy/buddette… the comments about eating bacon and even more eggy mayo?? NEXT meathead comment!!!!

  20. Laughing Hysterically says:

    “now i am off to wax (not polish) my (non-existent) mustache and eat some still-screaming baby carrots and hummus….err i mean deep-fried, bacon-wrapped baby animals dipped in extra-eggy-mayonnaise and worcestershire sauce”

    Says the guy who just spent a significant amount of time tearing down a comedic article discussing the topic of illogical anti-vegan arguments on the basis of logical fallacies. Really? Someone sounds angry.

  21. Chief B says:

    This might be the dumbest argument I have ever seen. So, you pick the worst 5 “arguments,” for why you shouldn’t be a vegan and portray the entire meat-eating culture as ignorant assholes and then use your lame 12 year-old sense of humor to dispel them. You end up making vegans look like the assholes, rather than your meat-eating enemies. Perhaps if people like you stopped acting like they were sacred holy defenders of a non-meat diet and just went about your life without a missionary vision to conquer the meat-eating world, you wouldn’t have to have these stupid arguments.

    1) The Taste. Before reforming and becoming a vegetarian for dietary and sanitary reasons, I LOVED the taste of meat. No arguing that point.

    2) Humans, by our very nature and anatomy are omnivores, the way our bodies are constructed and how they consume energy is modeled to a diet that requires lots of protein, which is in fact, tougher to get as a vegetarian or vegan, this is a fact.

    3) I have no problem with vegans. As long as you do it for the right reasons. Saying that eating animals is wrong because they are living, breathing organisms is a poor argument. Cite the terrible nature of meat processing and the potential diseases and the steroids and other crap injected into today’s meat rather than this bullshit.

    PS – If this is supposed to be comedy, Jamie should find a new job.

  22. Brian J says:

    I realize he is a comedian and there is certainly some tounge in cheek here. What amazes me are the sycophants proclaiming the ‘genius’ of his defense. Genius? Its seems pretty simplistic and sophmoronic to me. There are genuis comedians, there are very astute and intelligent anti-meat activists. The above piece is most definately neither, yet the hangers on are espousing this logic as an almost hermetic argument, the final word and genuis! Good god!

  23. Omnivore says:

    Really he’s a genius? By poking fun at a stereotype and finding no real argument. Pathetic.

    “We know the amount of suffering that is in a glass of milk”

    Really? You’ve been milked and suffered through it?

  24. Sedrick says:

    Angry Atheist only has two legs… easier to catch. Easier to put on a spit.
    : )

  25. Chloé Jo says:

    Omnivore:

    ACTUALLY….. as a breastfeeding mother I know PRECISELY how painful breastfeeding is. I’ve been doing it for 15 months now.. you?

    Here’s your glass o’ milk: VIDEO PROOF:

    http://girliegirlarmy.com/blog/20110420/shocking-new-undercover-investigation-baby-calves-beaten-neglected-abused/

    Cows used for their milk are drugged and bred to produce unnatural amounts of milk; they have their babies stolen from them shortly after birth and sent to notoriously cruel veal farms so that humans can drink the calves’ milk. Veal is a direct product of the dairy industry They are fed drugs to fatten them faster and to keep them alive in conditions that would otherwise kill them, and they are genetically altered to grow faster or to produce much more milk or eggs than they would naturally. Many animals become crippled under their own weight and die within inches of water and food. The Mother’s often cry for their children for weeks, and have been known to try and break down gates to find their babies. Why be a part of this when nut, soy, or rice cheese/ milk is just as tasty and much less fattening. Dairy gives you bad breath, skin, and is associated closely to breast cancer.

  26. Chloé Jo says:

    ps

    know/nō/Verb
    1. Be aware of through observation, inquiry, or information.
    2. Have knowledge or information concerning

    Therefore, watch video… and know.

  27. Anne says:

    Brian Joubert and an angry atheist have it completely right. I chuckled at this article taking it for what it was, but what actually makes me angry is when vegans act like their diet has “evolved” past eating meat. That assumption is not only preposterous but extremely condescending and comes entirely a first world privileged viewpoint. Valorie’s comment of “Hilarious! Let’s turn the table on the neanderthals. I love it! Don’t worry Brian…just go back to your cave.” is actually racist not to mention completely idiotic. You know what’s more sustainable than tofu could ever dream to be? Hunting and gathering. Brian living in his cave might actually survive on a desert island while many vegans would be fucked without a Whole Foods. The hypothetical desert island would probably have been deserted because it was deforested for soy production. The point is a holier than thou vegan attitude is disgusting when so many vegans shovel Earth Balance soaked tofu into their faces not knowing or caring to know that palm oil and soy production are deforesting huge areas of rain forests in Indonesia and Malaysia, which is turn is accelerating the extinction rates of orangutans and other animals. You think you are living the dream of a cruelty free lifestyle but you are dead wrong. Vegan arrogance and lack of accountability can be astounding. A paleo diet http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paleolithic_diet is more sustainable for the Earth as a whole and humans in OTHER COUNTRIES. I should also mention I’m an EX vegan and was vegan for nearly a decade until realizing my vegan processed foods did more harm to the Earth and animals globally than it did good. Tough realization but the sooner you realize it the sooner you can cut the shit and stop spouting off how humans aren’t supposed to eat meat. They definitely are not meant to eat dairy, so at least you have that right.

  28. Omnivore says:

    So your video link is broken therefore I cannot ‘know’. Breastfeeding is hardly being milked and my wife enjoyed breastfeeding until the teeth came in! As far as I know the mechanism used for milking cows is without teeth. I completely respect anyone’s decision to be vegan it’s when they resort to pathetic insults to make themselves feel higher than others that is bothers me. You believe you are doing the right thing I believe I’m doing the right thing. I do agree that the food industry, meat production and how the animals are treated in some cases is anything but humane hence the reason most of the meat I eat I kill and butcher myself. Anne above makes some great points about deforestation and the other effects veganism has on the environment. You believe what you want and I’ll believe what I want lets refrain from the petty insults that do nothing for either side of the table and grow up a little.

  29. Chloé Jo says:

    Anne, I HIGHLY doubt you are eating a cleaner diet than vegans unless you are personally killing your animals, processing them yourself, and roasting them yourself. If not, you are contributing just as much to global warming as my locally produced, organic, non-gmo tofu.

    RE: Palm Oil: http://www.earthbalancenatural.com/addressing_palm_fruit_oil.pdf

    And if that bothers you so much, use regular OO, but don’t even ATTEMPT to act like some Earth Balance has even remotely the environmental impact of a slab of bacon. That’s just ludicrous.

    Omnivore, link isn’t broken – working perfectly. Please try again.

    RE: Breastfeeding: I love breastfeeding my SON.. ie MY CHILD.. as I’m sure cows would love to feed and nourish their children, not be forcefully impregnated (raped,) then kept locked up to pumping machines for the rest of their lives til they are sent to slaughter.

    What we do to animals is ungodly, unkind, and doesn’t benefit our bodies or the earth. The proof is in the vegan pudding, a plant based diet is just superior – read The China Study – the Grand PRIX of epidemiology according to the NYT, the UN Study (all your bicycling doesn’t mean shit if you eat meat,) and look into an animals eyes when it’s afraid.

    We simply DO NOT HAVE TO consume a frightened creature to fill our tummies deliciously.. so the real question is… WHY WOULD WE?

  30. Anne Peronne says:

    Hmm, not sure what the argument is here.

    Fact – Factory farming is damaging to the environment. “According to a 2006 UN-sponsored report titled “Livestock’s Long Shadow,” factory farming plays a major role in every aspect of environmental collapse, from ozone depletion to ocean dead zones.”
    http://www.farmsanctuary.org/issues/factoryfarming/environment/cultivating.html

    Fact – Factory farming is cruel to animals – “Factory farms cram egg-laying hens into cages so tiny they can’t even spread their wings. Breeding pigs and veal calves are stuffed into cramped individual cages barely larger than their bodies. They can’t walk or turn around.”
    http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/confinement_farm/

    Fact – A vegan diet is more healthful than a omnivorous diet – Here are 2 reasons why:
    1. Hormone consumption. Eating animals that have been given hormones to speed growth (a common practice in the meat industry) means those hormones go into your body. Not only can this disrupt the natural balance of your hormones, but some of the hormones given to animals have shown to cause tumor growth in humans.
    2. Antibiotics. Antibiotics are frequently given to feed animals, which can lead to bacterial resistance. Many of the antibiotics used to treat human infections are also used in feed animals.
    http://www.nursingdegree.net/blog/19/57-health-benefits-of-going-vegan/

    If you’re offended by Jamie’s particular brand of humor, you’re clearly not in on the joke, and are clinging to a system that has become unsustainable and that’s not progressive or beneficial to the well being of our planet, the human race and evolution.
    Advocates of cow milking should view the Milk Documentary – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXhVTrSFgEI. Cows are basically abused by being impregnated continuously to keep up the milk flow. Female calves are kept to replenish the herd and male calves are usually sent to veal crates where they live a miserable existence until their slaughter. When cows become unable to produce adequate amounts of milk they are sent to slaughter so money can be made from their flesh.
    As far as the Darwinism argument is concerned, I’m not sure if being “the fittest” on a biological level grants us free access to manipulate the laws of nature and create an environment where animals are treated as unfeeling commodities that are genetically manipulated to grow larger and faster and housed in over-crowded small unsanitary conditions in order to maximize profits.
    The role of the fittest is clearly determined on physical and intellectual data only, and not compassion or concern.
    This choice to be vegetarian or vegan has nothing to do with elitism. Chloe started this web-site out of her passion and commitment to animals. GGA helps people evolve past old thinking habits by providing educated options, knowledge and the ability to make compassionate choices, while still enable us to live a lifestyle free of depravation from all of the wonderful things in life. Lives are being saved, both, human and animal here. A Vegan lifestyle may be viewed as extreme by some, but it certainly gets the point across. Sometimes EXTREME choices are necessary to circumvent EXTREME injustice and cruelty.
    People really need to wake up to what’s at stake. The mass overconsumption of meat is both wasteful, unsustainable, unhealthy, and cruel. We’re are also damaging the planet and depleting and polluting her natural resources. Comedy by nature is outrageous, especially observational comedy in it’s attempts to parody the obvious. The obvious here is that our current system of farming sucks, and it’s no joke.
    X

  31. Yami says:

    There is truly no sense in arguing or debating over this. We are all the same here with the only difference being that some of us have had our eyes opened to something that others have not. Everyone wants their lifestyle choices to be accepted. No one wants to be judged or ridiculed either with facts, science, comedy or otherwise.

    I respect everyone’s choices because that’s why we have free will. Of course everyone will think their choice is the right one. I only talk about my personal choices & the logic behind it when asked.

    If we truly want to make an impact on society, on the planet, or even just for ourselves then may I suggest you focus on your own actions & learn to acknowledge the opportunities when you can freely share what you know without any resistance.

    This forum is clearly not the place. No one is going to convince another person to change their eating habits by getting bent out of shape because they found this piece to be offensive instead of hilarious.

  32. LOL Jamies answers made me lol when I read them because *I* find them funny maybe it’s just my sence of humor that does it for me or just because I find them funny who knows.
    But what made me laugh even harder was the replies to this article because it seems once again non-vegans have come to a VEGAN forum to bash once again but not as bad as the Emily Deschanel article on her vegan pregnancy on people.com or on Salon Letters ( http://www.salon.com/food/vegetarianism_and_veganism/?story=/ent/tv/feature/2011/07/13/bones_emily_deschanel_vegan_pregnancy ) but slightly bash on the vegan lifestyle for which many know nothing about or feel a contempt towards as they failed to follow a truely vegan diet (I have no issue with this even living out in the country where it is *HARD* to find vegan food but it can be done).
    That is all

  33. Anne P says:

    Fact – Factory farming is damaging to the environment. “According to a 2006 UN-sponsored report titled “Livestock’s Long Shadow,” factory farming plays a major role in every aspect of environmental collapse, from ozone depletion to ocean dead zones.”
    http://www.farmsanctuary.org/issues/factoryfarming/environment/cultivating.html

    Fact – Factory farming is cruel to animals – “Factory farms cram egg-laying hens into cages so tiny they can’t even spread their wings. Breeding pigs and veal calves are stuffed into cramped individual cages barely larger than their bodies. They can’t walk or turn around.”
    http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/confinement_farm/

    Fact – A vegan diet is more healthful than a omnivorous diet – Here are 2 reasons why:
    1. Hormone consumption. Eating animals that have been given hormones to speed growth (a common practice in the meat industry) means those hormones go into your body. Not only can this disrupt the natural balance of your hormones, but some of the hormones given to animals have shown to cause tumor growth in humans.
    2. Antibiotics. Antibiotics are frequently given to feed animals, which can lead to bacterial resistance. Many of the antibiotics used to treat human infections are also used in feed animals.
    http://www.nursingdegree.net/blog/19/57-health-benefits-of-going-vegan/

    Advocates of cow milking should view the Milk Documentary – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXhVTrSFgEI. Cows are basically abused by being impregnated continuously to keep up the milk flow. Female calves are kept to replenish the herd and male calves are usually sent to veal crates where they live a miserable existence until their slaughter. When cows become unable to produce adequate amounts of milk they are sent to slaughter so money can be made from their flesh.

    As far as the Darwinism argument is concerned, I’m not sure if being “the fittest” on a biological level grants us free access to manipulate the laws of nature and create an environment where animals are treated as unfeeling commodities that are genetically manipulated to grow larger and faster and housed in over-crowded small unsanitary conditions in order to maximize profits.

    This choice to be vegetarian or vegan has nothing to do with elitism. It has to do with saving lives – both, human and animal. A Vegan lifestyle may be viewed as extreme, but sometimes EXTREME choices are necessary to circumvent EXTREME injustice and cruelty.

    If you’re offended by Jamie’s particular brand of humor, you’re clearly not in on the joke, and are clinging to a system that has become unsustainable and that’s not progressive or beneficial to the well being of our planet, the human race and evolution.
    People really need to wake up to what’s at stake. The mass overconsumption of meat is both wasteful, unhealthy, and cruel. We’re are also damaging the planet and depleting and polluting her natural resources. Comedy by nature is outrageous, especially observational comedy in it’s attempts to parody the obvious. The obvious here is that our current system of farming sucks, and it’s no joke.

  34. Hey you extreme veeegans… you’re too extreme for me! Extremely radical! Wait – is that redundant?

    Anyway, you privileged plant-eaters, if there was a chill-pill that didn’t have boiled-hooves as the capsule, maybe you’d swallow it and just let me enjoy my meat in peace and quiet without all that kicking and screaming. …Um, was that you, or the pig fighting for its life?).

    Well, stop trying to fight for animals to be validated! Ok? Stop using all your “logic” and “science” and “compassion” to prove points that are clearly accurate, like about 1% of cows are grass-fed and that it requires 8-10 acres per cow which could CLEARLY feed everyone and CLEARLY is not privileged. Who wants to eat plants anyway? That’s why we should feed them to animals and then eat the animals, duh, it’s called down-cycled energy at a startlingly losing ratio.

    It’s just really annoying to be proven wrong when I want to bask in bacon-scented infantile self-gratification. And Cheeeeeeese. Oh I just love my cheese. Who cares about other creatures highly-developed central nervous systems, it’s not like they can say “please stop” English (or even Spanish like all the exploited slaughterhouse workers who I ignore also.)

    Yum I just ate the face off of a baby goat while it was screaming and put KETCHUP on it, take that.

  35. Bron says:

    Agree with Brian Joubert that the straw-man response is also ineffective. And I am a vegan — just one well out of post-pubescent strident righteousness. Been one for quite a while and am in my late 30s.
    That said, even vegans need low-brow chuckles every once and a while. Frank from Staten Island is the vegan version of an extended fart joke. So enjoy it for what it is.

    I just hope people realize that this is silliness, not some sort of cogent or effective pro-vegan argument that will make people want to eat less meat. Or that by posting this to your facebook wall you will suddenly get people asking you for help becoming a compassionate eater.

  36. Liz says:

    People will use any excuse they can to spit hatred at those trying to make a positive difference. This was clearly a comedic piece meant to make a statement, not a dissertation. The sentiment behind the piece is what matters so it’s hard to understand how people can be so offended by it. We should all strive to do and be better so articles like this shouldn’t be viewed so offensively, the message behind them is what’s important.

    In every movement the masses come out to attack and defend their set in stone (and selfish) ways but as every important movement before this one has shown, eventually compassion, morals and virtue come out ahead. It takes time and unfortunately a lot of hate words, but the people spewing all this hatred will one day be in the minority. These hate words are just a distraction from a much greater purpose. There is absolutely no argument that can ever even attempt to justify what we do to farm animals. People who think differently have simply chosen not to educate themselves and to make their immediate superficial desires their priority. Luckily leaders are born from people who think outside themselves. Compassion always wins in the end.

    Thanks for posting this Chloe Jo and for continuing to be a compassionate leader.

  37. Sonia says:

    Wow I never thought I would see this kind of a heated argument on a site that caters to vegans and eco-minded folk. Sometimes I feel that people who have opposing viewpoints purposely seek out ways to argue and spit in the faces of those who are just going about their business trying to have good conversation with like minded people. Yes, like minded. Which a lot of you who have commented don’t really seem to be. Why are you on this site again? I personally don’t see the point of even arguing. Does it really make you that upset that we don’t eat animals? Are you that insecure about your dietary choices that you have to bash ours? As many have stated already he’s a friggin comedian! Get over yourselves! Eat your pigs, your baby cows, your rotted, dead flesh and we’ll eat our GOSH DAMN vegetables/tofu/tempeh in peace.

    And I second Liz’s sentiment about Chloe Jo…Thank you:)

  38. erin x says:

    I read the first several comments, maybe if I had read more I’d understand, but I can’t figure out why people are taking this rant so seriously. The guy is a comedian, it was meant to be funny. I laughed, didn’t you?

  39. Sassafras says:

    To the ones who claim humans are omnivores/carnivores–

    Really? OK, if this is truly the case, then I’d love to see you post a video of yourselves chasing down and catching your food. First, go into the forest and find a deer (remember, this is what true meat eaters do, they don’t shop for bits o’ meat in the grocery store). Next, chase down the deer (this should be no problem for you as meat eaters are very fast). Tackle the deer and sink your long, razor sharp claws into him/her and kill him/her with your bare hands and giant, razor sharp canine teeth (true meat eaters should have no problem doing this). Then, with your razor sharp talons, rip open the deer and eat all of the stomach contents, skin, fur, muscle, and some bone–RAW. Don’t cook it! True meat eaters don’t cook their food. After you have devoured the carcass with no cooking utensils or heat, come back and tell us vegans how wrong we are. :)

  40. Ellesha says:

    F’ing HILARIOUS!!!! I’d love to say some of that stuff to dumbass coworkers and other random acquaintances.

  41. anon says:

    what a load of crap, paleo is the way to go. not veganism. vegans do get cancer like the majority of the population, unless ur eating clean food ie fresh fruits and root veggies your fine, the majority of vegans live on processed carbs and grains= not that much different than SAD.
    funny how the “optimum diet” requires supplementation.

  42. Ann says:

    I must say, I agree with Anne and Chief B when they say that the holier-than-thou attitude is getting on my nerves. As a Conscious Carnivore who eats no red meat, drinks soy milk, and tries to have as much raw food as possible, I would really appreciate it if people (not necessarily Jamie, but many of the commentators on this post) would stop demonizing me. I live a very environmentally-friendly life and for you to judge me because I eat free-range chicken and put cage-free eggs in my cake is frankly a little unkind, especially when you provide no basis for how sustainable your vegan lifestyle is (as Anne so succintly pointed out).

    To Sassafrass: In your post you seem to imply that anything (such as eating meat) that humans did evolutionarily they should do in the exact same way today, or otherwise it doesn’t “count.” If that’s the case, then I would like to see you do go out and live the life of your Cro-Magnon forebears: for example, why don’t you sleep in a cave in sub-zero temperatures, trek miles to find a meal, and speak in grunts? Humans have evolved to make life easier. Eating cooked meat is easier and is also safer (less risk of disease). Just like you can go home and turn up your heat if you feel cold, modern omnivores can now cook their meat. That doesn’t mean that it’s not natureal that humans eat meat, just that now we have found better ways of doing it.

  43. Chloe says:

    Humane meat and eggs are a way to dupe well meaning customers (ala Ann) into believing the killing floor is a happy place. Humanemyth.org will knock that untruth right outta ya.

  44. Melanie says:

    I needed a good laugh. Amazing to me that with all the evidence we still have some people on this site justifying their cruel position. Proud to be on the side of the fence that stands up to cruelty, good health and aiding the environment.

  45. hahahah says:

    maybe if jamie ate some meat, he’d actually be funny.

  46. vegan enemy says:

    This is not genius… This is just more preachy bullshit! THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL WRONG WITH EATING MEAT! WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT THAT COW THINKS? fucking assholes.

  47. Chloé Jo says:

    If being asshole you mean brilliant, compassionate, educated, & driven to create progressive change .. Then ok. What about that personally bothers you so much? The guilt in your soul knowing veganism is really where it’s at ethically and environmentally? You must think Einstein, pythogoras, & DaVinci aholes. All veg. Read it and weep.

  48. LaTasha says:

    Kat
    You sound like a real asshole.

  49. nancy says:

    I just want to comment on the myth of Hitler being a vegetarian. This was part of Nazi propaganda to make him and his party look more sympathetic/nice. For some reason, people see through all the other Nazi propaganda, but this myth remains widely believed.

  50. cleaninggirl says:

    2 years later and Jamie’s post is still funny especially Frank from Staten Island that made me laugh as I could picture him and also I loved the response to the desert island question I’ll have to remember that response for when idiots ask me that question ;-)

  51. Kat says:

    LaTasha, when Jess posted an ethical non-factory farm Jamie replied “Jess no offense but that’s sorta a cop out. Why do any good if you can’t be perfect? It makes a huge difference.” If you don’t think that’s a condescending asshole reply, you’re the asshole, not me.




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